if he were alive.

you've gotta do it perfect this time,
okay?!!
because if he were here,
he would have wanted it that way.

we both.

we both have lovers to answer to
but we're not picking up.

we're deep in the mattress
pretending to love.

draped in yesterday.

if i was a ghost,
i'd bang on your door
at four in the morning
then crash on your wood floor.
when you awoke
i'd make you fall
just as much as you made me
just as high as my arms length.
if you couldn't see me
i'd run through your junk yard
i'd hold onto your hips
and i'd pull you in hard.
when you fell in love
i'd make you fall
just as much as you made me
just as high as my arms length

and i don't feel anything.
and i used to feel something.

if i was your pregnant wife
i'd burn down our house,
at four in the morning
then crash on the couch.
and when you never woke up
i'd let you disintegrate...
just as much as you made me
just as wide as my arms length.

and you won't feel anything.
and you've never felt something

for me.
or anyone else.
for me.
or for yourself.

[written november 3rd.]