if he were alive.

you've gotta do it perfect this time,
okay?!!
because if he were here,
he would have wanted it that way.

we both.

we both have lovers to answer to
but we're not picking up.

we're deep in the mattress
pretending to love.

draped in yesterday.

if i was a ghost,
i'd bang on your door
at four in the morning
then crash on your wood floor.
when you awoke
i'd make you fall
just as much as you made me
just as high as my arms length.
if you couldn't see me
i'd run through your junk yard
i'd hold onto your hips
and i'd pull you in hard.
when you fell in love
i'd make you fall
just as much as you made me
just as high as my arms length

and i don't feel anything.
and i used to feel something.

if i was your pregnant wife
i'd burn down our house,
at four in the morning
then crash on the couch.
and when you never woke up
i'd let you disintegrate...
just as much as you made me
just as wide as my arms length.

and you won't feel anything.
and you've never felt something

for me.
or anyone else.
for me.
or for yourself.

[written november 3rd.]

LASHED HANDS & MANY FLAWS.

The first time I slept with you
I felt disconnected
Like I just demolished
What I have kept protected
But I bit the bullet
Because I will not be rejected
And I promise I'll do it again.
The doctor said that
I have issues with men
But i won't give up until
I see this house burn down.
Down, down.

Exhausted by 9pm
So I softly rubbed your back.
We spoke of our enemies
And all the friend's we lack.
You handed me your riffle
So i pulled that trigger back
And I swear that I'll do it again.
My sister blames Dad for our issues with men.
And I won't give up until
i watch our old house burn down.
Down, down.

The last time I slept with you
I felt disconnected
Because I know that I've destroyed this thing
That I have kept protected
But I bit the bullet
Yet i still feel rejected
And I don't know if I'll do it again.
I'm starting to understand my issues with men.

I went to the source
And am afraid to report
That the house you grew up in
Has burned down.

It is now at one
With the ground.

Ashes to ashes,
Memories to dust.
Next one down
Is the rest of this town.

most of my writing is about this person.

i am apologizing in advance.

i can't control myself.

did i say

that i love you?

listen.

no love, no glory.

There is no reason to be afraid.

I won't love you like you thought she did.

I know better than that, darling. You just

don't know me well enough to know that I'm

SELF LESS.