PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON.

THANK GOD IT'S 2012.

2012-01-30T14:22:00.000-08:00

happy belated new year,

b l o g g e r s !

I'm crazy, baby.

2012-01-30T12:50:00.000-08:00

I need you to come here and save me...

I'm your little scarlet. Starlet. Singing in the garden.

Kiss me on my open mouth.

ULTIMATE BABEDOM.

2011-10-25T11:33:00.000-07:00

must. step. game. up.

like a fine wine.

2010-09-02T19:15:00.001-07:00

ONCE UPON A TIME,
WHEN I WAS YOUNG...

i met a man via internet. i was completely drawn to him. his appearance resembled that of every single man i've ever loved. christopher, jeff, greg, & logan. he was a cancer, just like me. i figured, why not? i messaged him and [later that night] met him for sushi & drinks. dangerous? yes. slutty? probably.

in any case, we'll call him West. West was an older man, significantly older than me. his eyes were the shape of the moon & the color of moss. his hands were long & thin, but tough. we went to a strip club to drink their abundant supply of whiskey. i was watching the women move around the small mirrored stages. shaking their hips in a sexy slow rhythm without actually believing that they, themselves, were sexy at all. after feeling awkward/inadequate...i signaled to him from across the club that it was time for us to leave. so we went to his favorite little local spot. i smoked a bowl with his friend & a gypsy stranger before tearing up the dance floor. he moved a lot better than i had hoped. i was watching his hips & the way he carried a melody through them. needless to say, i wanted him for mine.

the second we got back to his place, i asked to bathe. i do this when i want someone to feel sexually comfortable with me. i never realized how coy i was until i already had him... locking eyes with me... shaking his paper denim down to his toes... & kicking it to the other end of the bathroom. he sat on the opposite side of the massive bathtub. we talked about how we didn't want to talk about anything. he pulled the plug & wrapped a towel around me while the tub sucked out the last bits of bubbles.

after tumbling through his brand new bedding, we had a smoke on the porch. we were silent while we twitched from the amazing activities we had just indulged in. he held my hip bones like a steering wheel & kissed me deep. his mouth was soft from biting my skin just minutes before. i swore to myself that this was just a rendezvous...but those eyes... they just... his mouth... i... god damnit.

vanilla noir.

2010-08-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

as a woman who has struggled with nearly every relationship [family or physical] i feel it is time to make a transformation. in the past few years i have let the ticks get under my skin. i've let them survive off of my blood supply. when a man that i loved would strike me, i would immediately envision the love my father gave to me. the untrustworthy "i love you, but i want to watch you bleed" kind of love. i have had men pin me down by my throat and pull on my heart strings. i have been on my knees with knives in my back. and all of that is about to change. i am tired of being owned. i know i am a fucking Goddess and deserve to be treated as such. i am finally in control of my own heart and my own wants. i want to dominate.

bare with be here...

as i start my new chapter into

becoming a Master.

my apologies...

2010-06-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

i've been a bit out of my head//heart lately.

i've been hustling the fashion world.

i've been shooting couture style.

give me a moment to land on my feet.

i will come back for you.

Thee only thing

2009-07-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm fighting now...

is time.

when life gives you roses.

2009-02-23T22:57:00.001-08:00

you hang 'em upside down,

and let those bitches die.

off with my head!

2009-01-02T18:05:00.000-08:00

i'm tired of thinking.

time to start living.

photos from the trip up soon!

if he were alive.

2008-11-10T11:11:00.001-08:00

you've gotta do it perfect this time,
okay?!!
because if he were here,
he would have wanted it that way.

we both.

2008-11-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

we both have lovers to answer to
but we're not picking up.

we're deep in the mattress
pretending to love.

draped in yesterday.

2008-11-05T09:23:00.000-08:00

if i was a ghost,
i'd bang on your door
at four in the morning
then crash on your wood floor.
when you awoke
i'd make you fall
just as much as you made me
just as high as my arms length.
if you couldn't see me
i'd run through your junk yard
i'd hold onto your hips
and i'd pull you in hard.
when you fell in love
i'd make you fall
just as much as you made me
just as high as my arms length

and i don't feel anything.
and i used to feel something.

if i was your pregnant wife
i'd burn down our house,
at four in the morning
then crash on the couch.
and when you never woke up
i'd let you disintegrate...
just as much as you made me
just as wide as my arms length.

and you won't feel anything.
and you've never felt something

for me.
or anyone else.
for me.
or for yourself.

[written november 3rd.]

LASHED HANDS & MANY FLAWS.

2008-09-10T11:45:00.000-07:00

The first time I slept with you
I felt disconnected
Like I just demolished
What I have kept protected
But I bit the bullet
Because I will not be rejected
And I promise I'll do it again.
The doctor said that
I have issues with men
But i won't give up until
I see this house burn down.
Down, down.

Exhausted by 9pm
So I softly rubbed your back.
We spoke of our enemies
And all the friend's we lack.
You handed me your riffle
So i pulled that trigger back
And I swear that I'll do it again.
My sister blames Dad for our issues with men.
And I won't give up until
i watch our old house burn down.
Down, down.

The last time I slept with you
I felt disconnected
Because I know that I've destroyed this thing
That I have kept protected
But I bit the bullet
Yet i still feel rejected
And I don't know if I'll do it again.
I'm starting to understand my issues with men.

I went to the source
And am afraid to report
That the house you grew up in
Has burned down.

It is now at one
With the ground.

Ashes to ashes,
Memories to dust.
Next one down
Is the rest of this town.

most of my writing is about this person.

i am apologizing in advance.

i can't control myself.

did i say

2008-09-01T02:25:00.000-07:00

that i love you?

listen.

2008-09-01T02:21:00.001-07:00

no love, no glory.

The Blowers Daughter - Damien Rice

There is no reason to be afraid.

2008-07-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

I won't love you like you thought she did.

I know better than that, darling. You just

don't know me well enough to know that I'm

SELF LESS.